understanding whether the feeling counts in reality or doesnt exist But I am not likely to become someone whose housekeeping and decorating skills occasion effusive positive comment. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. So most of the comments are about whether or not unannounced guests are ok or not, but its not actually clear from the letter whether thats what the LW did. We should still be friends!. Its not that hard not to bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them. A lot of social and work-related visits to my home are with a minimum of notice, so I tend to prioritise cleaning up the living room and then dont bother so much with the kitchen or upstairs. But if Im invited to Camilles for dinner, I wont assume that everyone we both know is also invited. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Some of my mothers friends assume that its only polite to call when youre in the area and see if they want to hang out, and some of my generation shame-clean less than other people. Me? Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. Every situation is different. If we set up a specific time, place, and activity, then I am definitely going and so are you, unless one of us says otherwise! Back in my pre-cell phone phone college days in liberal central Texas, folks who popped by because they passed near my house generally stayed on the porch, got a hug, and went on their merry way. Go to a place with someone, or 2. have someone to MY place/where I am going. I was actually discussing the music for the wedding with the person who would actually be playing said music, so not even just a casual conversation about it; it could hardly have been construed as a taunt given that she was the one who came over and inserted herself. So I think it has a context where its useful. I tend to go for is this a partners-also thing or a just-us thing? it means theyre not being asked to make a statement of whether or not my partner, specifically, is welcome. We dont know why that is so, but you can read more about that by following this link. Don't try to tag along with couples, or small close-knit groups who want to spend quality time together. The solution is to not let her throw it back at you. It still feels rude to me (especially early in a relationship) but I dont want to be like the letter writers dad who gave her such a hard time. If you have a chronic health condition (which might be physical, it might be mental illness, or a mixture of the two) and kids, sometimes youre doing well just to keep the dishes clean, the laundry done, kids clean, the floor uncrunchy and the table unsticky. I would say that if a guy invites you over, just say "how about we meet at x" and change the plans before you label him as a creep. For the chronic advice-givers, this usually takes me repeatedly saying I know youre trying to help, but Im just venting right now so I dont want advice, thanks. I used to get REALLY angry about it, but eventually I realized that most people arent my horribly abusive family: they are genuinely trying to help, and will stop once you tell them that its not helping, rather than continuing until you start crying uncontrollably and agreeing to do whatever they say. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. For me I think the drop-by depends on how lengthy and intrusive of a visit its going to be. I wish Id done that when this happened to me. So anyone else asking for hugs is probably gonna be met with side eye. Like, if shes playing with toys in a waiting room and we have to go, I dont say, so, are you ready? because of course she isnt. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. Its all about the relationship you have with the person and where you are in your life. Wow, hey, no, that was not a reasonable reaction on his part. If you want to build that kind of social situation into your norms then its (JUST) up to you to tell your friends to stop by whenever theyre in your area. She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. There are just times where people won't explicitly invite you to something, but will be happy if you came. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. I guess its not really shame for me, though? Speaking for myself, personally, a same day text or phone call that says Im going to be in your area, are you free to hang out later for a bit? from a friend is more than fine but an unannounced and unexpected knock on my door, like, Hi, Im already here here to hang out with you! is pretty strange. I have a completely different set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. My home is my sacred space, man. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. Casually confirm the date ahead of time to make sure the plans are still on. I really like to have control over when I am around people. After the length of time it takes to drink one cup of tea, you must make polite noises about going. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? Well, one way is not to mention things to people if theyre not invited. In those circumstances, you dont enjoy cleaning much, I can tell you. ME: Oh! There was often a pattern where Kid One would ask permission to invite Kid Two over, their grownups would give permission, the kid would do the actual inviting, Kid Two would ask their grownups for permission, Kid Twos grownups would only give permission if they were able to give Kid Two a ride if needed, and then Kid Two would accept the invitation and visit Kid One. And Ill send that message a week or two in advance. They went to it cheerfully! I cant say whats objectively right, but I can say thatI think this particularfriend of yours might be somewhat like me in these preferences relative to you and how they see your friendship. I am a very cuddly person; if we are on hugging terms, 99% of the time I want a hug. Your choices are to accept that and reduce your attempts to hang out, or to ask her directly whats going on. But only she knows why she reacted that way. Hilariously, when he came to pick me up recently he was going to come to the door and ring the bell, but Id seen the car drive up and was ready to go. When I asked him about the surprise invites, his reply was, I thought it was efficient to get all my social obligations taken care of at once. If they dont act like they like me (even if they actually do but dont bother to behave like they do), they obviously dont want to really be friends. Let that one go, ok? it can be hurtful to realize your best friend does not think of you as their best friend. Instead of telling you in a calm voice that he wasnt ready to hang out yet, or asking you to duck out for another half-hour, or have a respectful conversation about how he felt upset about you coming early, he blew his top and attacked you. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. Does anyone else feel really weird even discussing plans with someone if you arent inviting them to join you? We knew we disagreed on a few things, knew we were different people, but the love and support was always there until it wasnt. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. You dropped in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you laughed and chilled out for half an hour and then you left. There are so many places and cultures out there, maybe its still normal for some people? I agree with you about entertaining and making my home lovely. I am an introvert. Of course, some people are just bad at initiating, and can get into a lazy habit of letting the other person do all of it, but it could also be a sign that shes not as into this friendship as you are. Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. :-) UPDATED: So I had a conversation with my friend about something else, and it came up in conversation and she invited us, so we're going there. I'm telling you from experience: Nothing is going to kill the vibe quicker than a dirty, dank, disgusting apartment. Just as with the break-up of a romantic/sexual relationship, theres something horrible about the person who doesnt come out and say its over Im breaking up with you but instead keeps leading the soon-to-be ex on with apologies, affection and promises interspersed with harshness, temper, and neglect in the hopes that the rejectee will get the hint. INDEED. Agreed. I have a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, and a B.A. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. Places like that are MINE, are safe, are meant to be shields against the outside world. If you want to make out but don't want the risk of things going further, invite him to dinner and a movie. So. And if that doesn't work, then simply tell him the truth. Real example: my freshman year of college I lived in a dorm with a bunch of party-people types who decided they were my BFFs (although I didnt much care for their company myself!) It was a slight point of contention, because she had to put in unavailability requests (and had her rosters) two months ahead, whereas Im lucky to have my roster a week in advance. When that was the case, they happily acquiesced. I am definitely guilty of the are we still on thing. I have ADHD and this is a thing I feel a lot. Where you are in your life I want a hug terms, 99 % of how to invite yourself over to a guys house we. Reaction on his part I wanted does not think of you as their best friend is welcome it... 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